Day 14

7AM:

Let’s say that I in fact do accept my relationship to food.  I am thinking about the day and the fact that my lunch time will be taken up by leading an extracurricular group.  It is taking a little thought and I would rather be a little hungry during the day than eat mystery meat patties or skip out on the event just to eat.  The norm?  Probably not… but could it be normal?  This is likely also the immediate reaction of most doctors, therapists, etc., who want to help me find my happy.

Here’s the question on my mind though: would this fix the rest?  Would finding my happy with relationship to food make me want sex more?  Would it make me less likely to want to hurt myself in times of stress?  Would it make the perception of me in my family clearer/cleaner?  Would it allow me to sit down and rest and not feel guilty?  Would it make me not feel self-conscious about telling others that I am not totally exhausted?  Would it make me not care about forgiveness?  Would it make me happy?

So maybe more than the question.

It could also not be that simple.  It could be that accepting my relationship with food as normal is step one or step two or not a step at all.  It is true that when the time comes, I will need to muster up the courage to find these answers, but I would like a little more guidance before stepping into the dark.  A little more light or a little bit of a map or at least an understanding that those things are hopes of a cowardly lion, things that are not offered to journeymen like me.

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