Day 13

6PM:

As I drive home from the (not-so-useful-I-think-but-I’m-not-sure-because-my-emotional-connections-are-so-very-disconnected-right-now) massage, having not yet eaten dinner, I am a little hungry.  I’m not famished or ready to assassinate my own grandmother for a whole wheat bagel (well…), but I can tell that something is needed to settle my stomach.  The immediate reaction here is not, “ok, time to find something to eat.”  Instead, my reaction is something along the lines of “OH MY GOD, I FEEL HUNGRY!  I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON BECAUSE I SHOULD NEVER BE IN A CIRCUMSTANCE WHERE I FEEL HUNGRY!”  I have not yet been able to understand this “terrible person” connection that comes with this stress management/perfectionism thing.  The food stuff should all connect to getting fat, but it doesn’t always.  My immediate reaction to sitting on the couch isn’t always that I will get fat, just that it is the wrong or a bad thing to do.  There is no clarification of this point, no matter how much I psychoanalyze or probe the blackness.  Perhaps this is part of the whole disconnecting my emotional connections bit – the fact that I just can’t understand how to solve this puzzle.

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