This has taken so much away from me. It has been my companion for over seven years and I am barely starting to understand this. But I am waiting for the cloud to truly lift. I have read all about how getting through the obsessiveness and rigidity will give me clarity of mind and enjoyment in the true things that should: activities, people, myself. Will it be euphoric? Will it be gradual?
A week and a half into this and the rigidity has loosened:
- I have eaten breakfast every single day
- I have written in this journal every day
- I have shared food and guess-timated portion sizes at restaurants (and even been able to put those estimations aside afterwards, not having them rotate in my head for hours afterwards)
- I have snacked outside of “meal-times” based on hunger and not necessarily on timing (however, with this one, I cannot say whether my level of ease is connected to eating less portions at that point in the day)
- I have started to recognize that I like having something at the end of the day, possibly because I like that type of food as opposed to others
And I am still angry, I am still not loose, I am still not comfortable, I am still not horny, I am still not getting past or through the illness (just managing it), I am still not quiet, I am still not easy, I am still not happy.
There is one question I haven’t asked here though, one that these last few observations bring to “light” (AKA deeper into the well): will it be a myth? Perhaps that’s the true test of things: that if that cloud isn’t truly lifted after dealing with the eating disorder, that this thing is something more than an eating disorder. It is odd how no matter how many times I talk about the blackness being responsible, still I equate this cloud and my issues and the anxieties and the things that have been taken away (lust, passion, feeling) to food. Solve food and solve these. That’s not going to happen that quickly though, is it…? The reality is something darker, more dangerous: what the fuck is the monster inside me, cloaking itself in normalizing food? The monster that either doesn’t allow me to accept my normal as normal or the monster that avoids me from finding my normal in this search.