Day 8

2PM:

Something funny happened today.  Ate breakfast – no problems.  Didn’t bring a morning snack because Workout Friend and I were going to have lunch at 12 instead of 1, and so when I got too hungry around 11, I had an apple.  Ate lunch without incident, both were items that I liked and had eaten previously.  Only time I spun (AKA got anxious) about food was when I was trying to figure out the portion sizes.  Didn’t do it when I was eating the apple (by choice, not by the clock – but this could have been because I was already working at a deficit for the day), didn’t when I was eating the Tom Yum or sharing the Yau Choy (something I have selfishly been terrible at recently, because it’s tougher to count that way).  Got anxious (AKA distracted me from the conversation he and I were having about his issues with his family – something I defiled by spinning about this other dark thing) when I tried to fit my meals into the system.  This is a problem, but how should the problem be framed/seen?:

(A)   The structure is the problem – trying to fit an organic, feeling-based thing like eating into a structure of eating is square-peg-into-circle-hole.  There will always be friction (AKA anxiety) as a result.  Based around this thinking, the structure now is the issue.  Therefore, supports for my stress management related to the eating disorder should be the focus.

(B)   My feelings around having to put food into a structure is the problem – I just cannot accept that this is okay and not something I have to feel worried or anxious about.  Based around this thinking, my anxiousness is the issue.  No matter whether the food structure is in place or not, my anxiousness will cause a problem with food structure or time structure or sleep structure or something.  Therefore, supports for my stress management related to anxiety should be the focus.

More fucking questions…

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