Day 6

6PM:

So let me get this straight – this is supposed to make me feel more normal, right?  Lunch today was forced (not force-fed, but not hunger-driven), probably because I went for a run beforehand and the adrenaline always quashes my hunger.  So if the goal is to eat when I’m hungry (the on-a-pedestal “intuitive eating” that so many people in the world fuck up), what do I do in this situation…?  If I wait, then I will likely skip a meal or something like that, because they will meld into each other.  Trust me; thinking about this so much does not make me feel more normal.

I have literally forgotten what it means to be hungry and eating based on those levels, letting them dictate time, quantity and food types.  I have forgotten what it felt like to just eat… it feels so far away from where I am right now.  It feels not like I lost it, but that I never had it at all.  It is a memory in my head only, not in my muscles, let alone in my heart.  You skate, you ride a bike, you rollerblade and if you put these down for a few years, you pick them back up again.  Not with hunger, emotion … THIS FUCKING GODDAMNED GODFORSAKEN DISEASED PART OF ME HAS KILLED EMOTION.  THE BLACKNESS HAS KILLED MY ABILITY TO RECOGNIZE MY FEELINGS, NUMBED MY HUNGER, NUMBED MY HAPPINESS, NUMBED MY LOVE.

From Dr. Steven Bratman, MD: “The poetry of my life was disappearing.  My ability to carry on normal conversations was hindered by intrusive thoughts of food.  The need to obtain meals free of meat, fat, and artificial chemicals had put nearly all social forms of eating beyond my reach.  I was lonely and obsessed. … I found it terribly difficult to free myself.”

It couldn’t even have taken anger and sadness with it, but the void left by those other things leaving me have been filled by them (and self-doubt) in spades.  I am full of this, but feel empty as a result.

6PM:

So let me get this straight – this is supposed to make me feel more normal, right?  Lunch today was forced (not force-fed, but not hunger-driven), probably because I went for a run beforehand and the adrenaline always quashes my hunger.  So if the goal is to eat when I’m hungry (the on-a-pedestal “intuitive eating” that so many people in the world fuck up), what do I do in this situation…?  If I wait, then I will likely skip a meal or something like that, because they will meld into each other.  Trust me; thinking about this so much does not make me feel more normal.

I have literally forgotten what it means to be hungry and eating based on those levels, letting them dictate time, quantity and food types.  I have forgotten what it felt like to just eat… it feels so far away from where I am right now.  It feels not like I lost it, but that I never had it at all.  It is a memory in my head only, not in my muscles, let alone in my heart.  You skate, you ride a bike, you rollerblade and if you put these down for a few years, you pick them back up again.  Not with hunger, emotion … THIS FUCKING GODDAMNED GODFORSAKEN DISEASED PART OF ME HAS KILLED EMOTION.  THE BLACKNESS HAS KILLED MY ABILITY TO RECOGNIZE MY FEELINGS, NUMBED MY HUNGER, NUMBED MY HAPPINESS, NUMBED MY LOVE.

From Dr. Steven Bratman, MD: “The poetry of my life was disappearing.  My ability to carry on normal conversations was hindered by intrusive thoughts of food.  The need to obtain meals free of meat, fat, and artificial chemicals had put nearly all social forms of eating beyond my reach.  I was lonely and obsessed. … I found it terribly difficult to free myself.”

It couldn’t even have taken anger and sadness with it, but the void left by those other things leaving me have been filled by them (and self-doubt) in spades.  I am full of this, but feel empty as a result.

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