Day 5

5PM:

Jeez – is this ever a destructive creature; not in the sense that it destroys me, but that it takes a toll of my sense of self, of self-confidence and trust.  It has made me doubt my impulses, my feelings, my desires.  I doubt my urges because it is no longer simply a case of eat or don’t eat.   It is “if I am wrong that this feeling I have is hunger and I indulge, I will be doing something wrong.”  Very often it isn’t the direct connection in my head that if I eat outside of certain times or outside of certain guidelines, that I will lose the physical elements I have now.  It is simply, if I do that, it is wrong.

But what the fuck is this wrong?  Where did it come from?  The delusion of perfectionism isn’t that perfection isn’t doable, it is that you aren’t working to a unilaterally agreed upon perfection.  There is no 100%; perfection is completely subjective, especially when it comes to health: healthy mind, healthy body, healthy heart, healthy balance – all of these things matter, but I have only been focused on one for so long and it probably is the least important to being happy.  I have seen perfection as eating by the rules, but nowhere are these rules written down, agreed upon, decided on high.  And yet, my anxieties’ adherence to them is religious (but as before, the extreme, use-religion-to-kill-a-bunch-of-people kind of religious).

I know I am stuck in these anxieties, but it doesn’t take much to help shake me out of them.  It’s just that now, the shaking needs to come externally, like the impetus for this current shift of diet.  I knew full well that it needed to happen, but I needed it to “come” from a dietitian (when it fact, the language and plan came from within).

I wish I felt like I was enough, like my ideas, beliefs and feelings were important enough to listen to – being happy with just being me.  I spend so much energy being certain for other people, being strong and confident, even to the point of manufacturing uncertainty for political reasons; however, I can’t do it for myself.  What do I need to save me, to make me trust and believe in myself again?  And why can’t I just decide these things for myself?

I wish I had someone to talk to about this.

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